Lesson 06: “Toxic Shame” Is How Alan Downs Describes The Root Cause Of Dysfunction In Gay Men’s LivesĪlan Downs lays out three stages of developing, experiencing, and managing what he calls “toxic shame” in a gay man’s life:ĭowns postulates that the toxic shame gay men face in today’s world is due to the inherent knowing of being different.Ī gay kid isn’t quite sure what’s going on, except for one obvious truth. I would never presume to label someone officially with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.Īnd so, as I’m always expanding my own understanding of these psychological topics, I finally read The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs and took away these lessons. I am not officially diagnosing anyone or anything, and when I refer to people as narcissistic, I am using it as a descriptive term referring to a collection of behaviors. I’ve often said that this blog is purely informative based on my own experiences and the education that grew from them.īut it is not prescriptive. What prompted me to finally pick up The Velvet Rage was this- my own personal writings on narcissism and toxic relationships from a gay perspective on this blog. Alan Downs and The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World was also recommended to me, but I saved it for another day. Richard Isay a couple of years ago to learn more about this. I originally read Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development by Dr. We are a damaged tribe-but how damaged? And what does that damage exactly turn into? When does the damage turn toxic and abusive? We would meet for happy hour about once a month in a West Village gay bar, and he’d graciously listen to all of my bile about my ex, who I refer to as the Gay Narcissist. “We’re a damaged tribe,” a friend of mine said after my breakup. And, of course, I was in my own gay narcissistic relationship for years that ended with an unceremonious discard and replacement.īut I’ve always trusted my keen sense of observation and intuition, and there has always something odious that’s bothered me about the gay community’s propensity for toxic, narcissistic behavior. I’ve spent way too much time on gay-oriented “dating” and “social” apps staring at curated photos and reading posturing profiles. I’ve socialized with many gay men since coming out years ago. I’ve worked around gay men for a long time. I’ve often wondered if gay men have a greater propensity for narcissism than other groups of people.